August 6, 2026
Collaborative Moments – The Betrayal
Here is another event which stands out in my memory as an example of the power of the collaborative divorce option.
The revelation of the affair in the middle of settlement negotiations would likely have resulted in a long drawn out and financially costly court battle permanently damaging he ability of the spouses to coparent young children. However, fortunately for the family, they had chosen to divorce collaboratively.
We had been making good progress in the collaborative process although through the first three collaborative meetings the lawyers sensed an unresolved undercurrent. At the start of meeting four, one spouse calmly but earnestly and directly asked my client if he’d been having an affair with a woman, whom she named. There was a long silence. A very long silence. Finally, my client looked at his wife and quietly but directly said yes. Another long silence. No hysterics. Instead of jumping in to add heat to a difficult situation, both lawyers remained calm and quiet. Instead of ignoring the intense feelings of both spouses by moving forward with the financial items on the meeting agenda, the other lawyer and I relied upon the collaborative process to assist our clients deal with their emotions. Together, the lawyers instinctively asked our clients if they would feel comfortable if we left the room and allowed them to continue with the psychologist on our professional team who was serving as the divorce coach. Both spouses quickly accepted the offer and my colleague and I allowed the meeting to continue in our absence.
The collaborative divorce coach helped the couple work through their questions and feelings in the remainder of this and subsequent meetings, some of which the lawyers attended and others which we did not. In the end, the collaborative process was successfully completed. Meetings were tense and challenging. But our clients got through their divorce without threats, nastiness, depositions, endless courtroom fighting and perhaps most importantly without dragging their children into the situation.
I assisted my client five years later with an unrelated matter. I was beyond pleased, and proud, when he shared with me how he and his former wife had been able to coparent their kids well in the years since the divorce. He credited the collaborative process with their success.
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